Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

The emptiness and darkness is returning,
that lonely feeling; my heart is burning.
Once, I pushed those feelings away,
they were gone for a while but they're back today.
This time could be the end for me,
I could finally be gone-my soul set free.
The empty hollowness gone forever,
could it possibly happen? no! no! never!
I was so happy for a long time there,
the pain disappeared, ran off somewhere.
It didn't go too far, found its way back,
right when my life was finally on track,
In the end I've come to a conclusion,
all my hopes... dreams have been an illusion.
Your help, dear Lord, is what I need,
for no one knows how my heart can bleed.
Everything’s piling up, I'm quickly sinking,
no rope to grab is what I'm thinking...

(unfinished)

~crimson lies~

For a time now, I've felt lost within myself,
not knowing how it feels and unable to decide.
I feel alone, even with myself,
unable to feel anything but emptiness.
There is a yearning within my soul,
a feeling of complete and utter nothingness.
For a moment, I thought I found myself,
for a while, I felt happiness.
One day, though, the melancholy was back,
as was the infinite sadness.
I know I am destined to be sad for eternity,
yet I can't comprehend why that is.
Is it because I am a bad person,
or is a greater force at work here?
Can you see me going down?,
I'm screaming out loud!
The fear of God is within me
and I feel helpless to him.
Help me please
before I lose myself

~crimson lies~

i'm sick and tired of it all... i just wanna go home... everything here makes me sick... makes me disgusted... i'm done here... nothing feels right... all my efforts for nothing... it ammounted to nothing... i'm done here... i wanna come home...

If you had a limited time left to live, what would you like to do/accomplish before that dreaded time comes?

i cant think of much at the moment... but i'll add more on later...

1) reprioritize & devote my whole life to God.

2) fall in love & get married... maybe even have kids!!! r u shocked i just said that??? XDDDDD but i woke up this morning n marriage was the 1st thing i thought of!!! weird isnt it?? LOL~

3) travel the whole of Malaysia... getting 2 know the orang asli tibes n their rituals!!!

4) go camping with the kuzuryu's n end up not sleeping 4 the whole duration coz we're up 2 stupid random stuff!!!

5) spend time with my family & doing everything they ask me 2 (which would be a change from the present... HAHAHAHAHA...)

6) go 2/live in spain. on top of that, travel europe... preferably backpacking in summer!!! kyaaaaa~ =P

7) write a stupid random book titled "I IS RIGHT!!!" u guys better buy it!!! LOL~

8) get a DOGGIE!!! top of that list would be a labrador!!! =D

9) travel to a third world country as a volunteer teacher. EDUCATION IS THE KEY TO CHANGE!!!

10) be part of a riot... of course i must completely support the cause of the riot la...

11) sing in public!!! *gasp* XDDD

i think thats all 4 now... will edit more in later... 4 SURE!!!

oh... and i cut my hair short... did i mention??? lol~

this is in response to the kuzuryu neko's post...

feel like shit~ feel like shit~ feel like shit~
need i say more? its like there's this whirlpool right in front of me... i see it... but somehow i'm not making any effort to avoid it... maybe i've just gotten sick of trying... when u know ur in trouble and u know it wont get better, so u just dont bother trying!!! i guess i'll just duck n let it blow over my head... hopefully it wont knock me off my feet... hopefully...

~kuzuryu slave~

since peng n lyn both did this... n i'm bored of studying... i shall do this too!!! lol~

1) Best place to cry?
nowhere is a good place 2 cry, dahling!!! if u really have 2 cry, you'll do it wherever u are!!!

2) Who do you love most?
no1 actually... how sad is that!!! my life is an empty eggshell!!! i am living a lifeless life!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~ ;)

3) Tell us your dream last night.
i dont think that would be appropriate here!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~ XDDDD
you're all wondering what it is, arent u??? =P
i am sooo not telling...

4) Ever hated someone so badly.
hate?? nah... dont think so... so extreme!!! hmmm...

5) The biggest and most hurtful lie you heard?
i've heard?? i cant tell half the time when ppl lie 2 me... so i guess this question is N/A to me... hehe...

[[ LAST PERSON... ]]

...had a beer with?
kingston n sam... last nite while watching the olympics in hyder's place...

...went to the movies with?
my sis n her whole friggin church!!! dark night... they booked a whole theatre!!! insane, right??? but sooo fun!!!

...talked on the phone?
joey... dont remember what it was about... hmmm... probably sth random...

...u hugged?
yoshi-chan!!! she's the best... dropped me off this morning from church...

...u yelled at?
my lappie 4 hang-ing AGAIN!!! my housemates came knocking at my door wondering what the hell happened!!! hahaha~

[[ * IN THE LAST WEEK HAVE YOU... ]]

>>> Kissed someone?
nada

>>> Sing/Sung/Song?
i'm singing now!!! ~~toot toot!!! beep beep!!! bad girl!!! talkin' bout the sad girl!!!~~ go Donna Summers!!!

>>> Danced crazily?
everynite after i bathe n before i sleep... its the funnest way 2 warm myself up!!! hahahaha~

// Think of the last time you were angry, why were you angry?
at myself... for doing something so undeniably stupid...

// You will die in 3 mins. Last call?
God???

// If could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
WORLD PEACE!!!!! as if!!!
no point wishing... i'd rather pray...

// Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

// Are you old fashioned?
yes... u see, i was born in the 17th century... when everyone and everything was still simple... there was no high tech gadgets or what not... this reminds me of the time...... *goes on blabbing like an old granma*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~

// What will be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
is this a trick question??? or is the creator of this really that dumb???

// What things would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
my freedom and rights!!! DUH!!!

first of all, OH MY GOD!!! ITS 2008!!! i still cant believe it... i keep writing all my dates down as 2007!!! but then again im a bit blur also la... lol. anyways, im quite sure u ppl know im no longer in the country! its been the most hectic days in my life!!! its crazy!!! i'm gonna bore u guys with the details, so pick a comfy chair, coz u'll be reading FOREVER!!! LOL!

day #1 (7th Feb.)
i arrived at adelaide... it was pretty cold! i mean, i did arrive in the morning n all... but i never expected it 2 be so cold... about 15degrees... i was practically cursing the weather coz its supposed 2 be SUMMER, for God's sake!!! i remember wishing it would get warmer as the days go by... (which i now regret coz its blazing hot!!! 38 degrees!!! classic case of "be careful what you wish for"). i was met at the airport by this girl representing the uni... she just gave me a concession card for a taxi that would take me to my accommodation and sent me on me way. i shared a taxi with an indian guy from KL also staying at the same place as me. well, once we reached the accommodation place, we unloaded our luggage n went inside the building. inside, there was a lobby and a reception place. The guy at the reception (Sumeer) welcomed us, took us 2 a meeting room and drowned us with millions of papers n contracts for our townhouses(yes, i'm living in a townhouse) after about 15 minutes of reading through our contracts n signing them, he took us individually to our townhouses. I went 1st. He took me through glass doors which can only be opened with a swipe card(talk about security!!! lol.) he took me through a corridor and when we came out at the end, we were out in the cold morning air again. there was this whole complex of apartments and townhouses around... i suppose its like a gated community... or something... i got 2 my house n dumped all my stuff in my room! thank God!!! that was the last time i had 2 deal with my luggage!!! (my house is pretty much like this: 1st floor: 2 rooms & 1 bathroom; 2nd floor: same as the 1st; 3rd floor: kitchen & living area; 4th floor: 1 room & a private bathroom & the roof deck) im on the 2nd floor. after i unpacked a bit, i started to become a bit frantic coz my phone wasn't working n couldn't call home 2 tell my parents i've reached safely. finally i got my room phone working n could call!!! that was like an hour later, mind you!!! i called ardee n we met up at Rundle Mall(which is similar to the city in perth) we spent the whole day there opening a bank account, getting an aussie number and shopping for stuff that we didn't bring and then i had 2 drag all that back home... it took me 25 minutes to get back, usually it only takes 15 minutes if ur walking at a brisk pace!!! that night was really bad for me coz i really started to miss home AND THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO!!! no internet, no TV, i didn't bring any books to read(clever me!)!!! AND THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY!!! on top of that, the walls are really thin, so u can hear footsteps and things dropping in the neighbouring house!!! CREEPY!!! so i decided to go out to the lobby n watch some TV. There, i met this english girl, Ann. if you added the fact that she spoke like a bullet train to her strong british accent, u'll understand my confusion!!! but im getting the hang of it now... hehe... i managed to get a lot of sleep that night! which was good!!! yay!!!

day #2 (8th Feb.)
met up with ardee again! she found this international food court that sold pretty cheap stuff near her place, so we went to eat there! honestly, everything here is so expensive!!! and then, we went shopping for more stuff!!! what else!!! lol. but we couldn't buy a lot at one go... if not, it would be impossible to carry home!!! we carried it all back to ardee's place and after that she helped me carry it all back to my place. that day itself, i stayed over at ardee's apartment coz it was empty as well... frankly, we were both creeped out by the prospect of staying in an empty place. so, it worked out for both of us. that day, i found out that a family friend's son was here in adelaide too... finishing off his medicine thingy... apparently, his mom called my mom n my mom gave his mom my phone number and his mom passed it on to him!!! you know how complicated moms can get!!! lol. anyway, he called me that day and invited me and ardee out to dinner with a bunch of his friends... super nice, noisy, rowdy ppl... kinda like us! lol. only they were all doin med and they're like 5 years or so older than us! on top of that, all of them were from penang!!! we even met a girl who used to go to St. George's! georgians are everywhere!!! lol.

day #3 (9th Feb.)
took a trip to the central market and chinatown which just happens to be down my street!!! lucky me! after that, ardee and me went wondering around the city n took the free bus to see where we would land!!! haha... one of the stops is pretty near my place, so that was really good!!! i mean, i dont have 2 walk for 40 minutes just to get to uni!!! that day, i met my house mate, Shaz! she's staying downstairs... an indian muslim girl from singapore doing MEDICINE!!! super alim!!! like she sembahyangs a lot n looks for halal food kinda alim!!! so totally unlike ardee!!! haha... but she's really nice and totally cool... great to talk to... but unfortunately, her mom came here with her and she went over to her mom's hotel room to stay the night! so, again sleeping in an empty house!!! how annoying is that!!!

day #4 (10th Feb.)
this day was really free coz ardee and me didnt do much... just our usual shopping in rundle and dragged all that back home!!! we found reject shop there and it sold like really really REALLY cheap stuff!!! it was really a lifesaver!!! i mean shopping everywhere else is so scary if u convert it back to ringgit!!! n in reject shop, everything was like 3 or 6 aussie dollars!!! they sold everything from food to detergent... stationary to pots & pans... everything you would need to get settled in here!!! can you imagine a bottle of shampoo that costs 3 aussie dollars!!! i was honestly shocked!!! GRATEFULLY shocked!!! hahaha... another house mate moved in on this day... chinese girl from terengganu... Sze Yin... she seemed pretty nice... but she's like the typical chinese educated ones... but thats all right... met another guy at the lobby that night, Kelash from india... coz the cricket match was on, so there was this whole bunch of guys plopped in front of the TV in the lobby... since the next day was the start of our 2 week uni orientation, i was so worried i wouldn't be able 2 wake up on time!!! at 7.30... i was so worried that i couldn't sleep that night!!! i only managed 2 successfully sleep at 6!!! can you believe it!!! haiz!!!

day #5 (TODAY!!!)
i'm sure most of u would have guessed that i didn't wake up at 7.30 as planned... i woke up at 8.45!!! i remembered to set my phone alarm on time... but i did the stupidest thing instead!!! MY PHONE WAS SET TO MALAYSIA TIME!!! OH MY GOD!!! I COULD HAVE DROWNED MYSELF!!! i had 2 rush, bathe n dress up in like 5 minutes!!! n then went out 2 wait 4 the bus which was supposed to come at 9. BUT IT DIDN'T SHOW!!! so i had to wait for the 9.15 bus... by that time, i was getting pretty worried coz my arrival briefing was at 9.30!!! but there was this whole bunch of other students there waiting for the bus as well, so it made me feel better that i'm not the only one... i arrived at uni 9.30 on the dot!!! THANK GOD!!! after a whole morning of unfortunate events, i thought i was having a spot of good luck!!! that was till i was told that the lecture hall where the arrival briefing was held was FULL!!! sigh! at first, i was to come back for the 2nd briefing at 1pm... but they decided to have another briefing at 10 coz a lot of students turned up at that time... ardee and i were at a different lecture halls, so i made myself a few new friends and sat with them for the briefing... we were then taken around the uni for a tour and after that, i found ardee again at the cafeteria... we had lunch together and went off for a few more sessions of briefing on aussie culture and course enrollments... after that i crashed at ardee's place again(coz its nearer to uni than my place) before going back home... and i just managed to set up my internet, but unfortunately i MSN is blocked and the internet isn't unlimited!!! O.o so i have to subscribe to another network, which i plan to do 2moro!!! sigh!!! so complicated la!!!

p/s: my room phone number is (08)8463 2153 [i'm not giving you guys my hand phone number yet coz im planing to change it]
p/p/s: the time difference is 2 and a half hours. so don't u dare think u can call me at 1am in Malaysia!!! coz it'll be 3.30 here!!!
p/p/p/s: sorry for any errors in this post... i'm kinda tired from walking around all day and yet i update u guys on what's going on here!!! how good am i!!! LOL.
p/p/p/p/s: I REALLY MISS MALAYSIA!!! MY HOME!!! MY FAMILY!!! MY FRIENDS!!! HOPE TO SEE YOU GUYS SOON!!! COME DOWN AND VISIT!!! I'LL BE WAITING!!! TATA!!!

buahahahahahahahahahahaha..........................
i'm back... with lots 2 say... but malas 2 type...(as usual...)

ok, so, 2 summarize, college is out 2 get me with a pile of super boring, super long, super tiring assignments!!! can you believe it, i got almost 10 assignments in 2 weeks with a one week dateline!!! so dead u know!!! i'm going around like a zombie freak... panda!!! i'm running on less than 3 hours of sleep daily 4 the past month or so... summore, the stupid lecturers tell us everything last minute!!! ARGH!!! so frustrating!!! @^$%*&%%#@$&*^$@$%(#@#$@%$^&$$#&%$%$#&^%^##$#$%#&^%$^%&^&$%^#$$*%^$%$^)&)#@??^%$&/$*%(

OK!!! now 4 something happier!!! haha... my mum is in China!!! WITHOUT MY DAD AND ME!!! wait a minute... this isn't a happy topic!!! haha... anyway, she's enjoying herself, holidaying while my dad n me have 2 slave at home!!! life is unfair!!! lol~

oh yea... i got hammies!!! (no wei lyn, they're not dead... yet!!! XD) suet nee help me name them... beast n beastess... hahaha... so appropriate... and they like 2 run away from their cage...(i can feel sarcastic remarks being conjured in all ur evil heads!!!) they bite n squirm n roll up like cute little fur-balls when they're asleep... so cute!!! haha... but they're devils in hamsters clothing... completely demonic... like me, right!!! sigh~

ok... so, that's it... my life in short... may-chan, i haven't seen u in ages... i've 4gotten how u look like... haha... ai lin, don't squeal so much... i can hear u from way across the sea!!! aki, bet ur having fun with ril, right??? be good... lyn, no comment... hahahahahahahahahahaha... haru, u know how i am... wanna step on ur shoes again!!! ponta, BREATHE, damn it!!! eldie, wait... WHO IS ELDIE?!?!?!? HAHAHAHA....... lai theng, when u wanna go out??? n have u learnt to tone down the violence yet??? if u haven't, i don't wanna come within 100 meters of u!!!

OMG!!! IT'S LIKE 4EVA SINCE I UPDATED THIS BLOODY THING!!! LOL~ sorrie guys... whats with all the fangurlin... i hear arashi... sebin... minchang... sigh~ so lame la u ppl... nothin else 2 do izzit???
oh yea, happie belated b'day eldida.. n suet of course...
how u all doin la... n whats with the june 10th thing, haru??? any special plans??? any occasion??? how come i dont know 1... wat u wanna do la...
sigh~ dyin in college!!! seriously!!! *DIE* oh well... dunno wat 2 say d... except 'dun kill me 4 not updating u guyz~' lol~

You scored as Demon. Demon: Darkness is your sanctuary. Demons are many and are all different in appearence and rank. The most common are the ones that feed off of human souls. They love to make someone fall into their inner darkness. Blood, wrath, murder... You name it they love it. These beings don't care who you are, if they set their sights on you, let's just hope you know a good excorist. They kill any love within you and pull you toward their side. By any means possible. You wish for chaos and hate, you are the Demon. </td> Demon 84% Dragon 75% WereWolf 59% Faerie 50% Mermaid 42% Angel 0% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

LOL!!! Now wasn't that expected!!! hehe...

You scored as Disappear. Your death will be by disappearing, probably a camping trip gone wrong or an evening hike you never returned from. Always remeber that one guy who was hiking alone and got in a rock slide. He could have died, but he cut his own hand off to save himself. Don't end up like him (or worse, dead). </td> Disappear 100% Poison 73% Suicide 73% Bomb 60% Cut Throat 60% Gunshot 60% Natural Causes 47% Disease 47% Suffocated 33% Eaten 33% Drowning 33% Stabbed 27% Accident 20% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

Don't let me go missing, ok!!! haha...

You scored as Bisexual. </td> Bisexual 70% Lesbian 65% Straight 50% Gay 45% Are you Bisexual, Straight, gay/lesbian? created with QuizFarm.com

LOL!!! Now who couldn't have guessed that??? haha... XDDD

You scored as Sleeping Beauty. Your alter ego is Princess Aurora, a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty! You are beautiful and enchanting, and as sweet as ever. </td> Sleeping Beauty 81% Ariel 75% The Beast 75% Goofy 56% Cinderella 56% Cruella De Ville 56% Peter Pan 56% Donald Duck 31% Pinocchio 25% Snow White 19% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

Hmmm... any comments??? anyone??? anyone???

You scored as Emo and Proud. You are emo and you love it. Go you, emo kid! </td> Emo and Proud 85% Just a Little Emo 75% Wannabe Emo 55% Emo in Denial 35% The EMO Test created with QuizFarm.com

Who dares object??? lol...

You scored as Pride. </td> Pride 81% Wrath 75% Greed 69% Lust 69% Sloth 69% Gluttony 50% Envy 25% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

sinner??? me??? no way!!! XDDD

You scored as Vampire. You are a straight up! Vampire Your hobbies may include drinking the blood of innocents...or not so innocents. You tend to shy away from crosses. Your bed is a coffin with the dirt from your homeland inside. The light is your enemy, and will destroy you should you be lured into its trap. Garlic is not your favorite spice in the kitchen, though it does make for a very nice weapon along with the holy water you stole from that priest awhile back...Just watch your back you never know who might be lurking in a dark alley! </td> Vampire 75% You are a Vampiric Elf! 75% You are a Demon 58% Black Witch 50% Fallen Angel 42% What creature of the night are you you most like? (Pics!!) created with QuizFarm.com

freaky picture...

You scored as Darkness. Darkness isn't a bad thing at all! So don't worry. Just like darkness you like to be independent and to do things by yourself. You tend to turn a blind eye to things you don't want to see, or things you don't want to change. You can be brutally honest, its good in some ways, because someone has to tell these people. You can be self-centered and mostly concerned about yourself, but if anything happens to anyone you love, your right there defending their honor. You tend to dominate a room, and people who love everything tend to bug you, or annoy you. More than anything you want to be wanted and recgonized. Please Tell me what you think! Negative feedback VERY welcome! Tell me how to fix it! :) </td> Darkness 100% Light 81% Ice 69% Water 56% Fire 44% Air 38% Earth 25% What Element Are You? (BOY+GIRL ANIME PICS & DETAILED ANSWERS) created with QuizFarm.com

LOL... can't agree more!!!

You scored as Light. light! You may seem empty and emotionless, because you like to meditate. You may not be emotionless, but nobody except you would know, because you dont show any emotion for you have mastered yourself above such things. </td> Earth 83% Light 83% Wind 67% Fire 67% Darkness 50% What Element Lies within you?(PICS) created with QuizFarm.com

haha... this is so contradictory!!!

You scored as Severus Snape. Well you're a tricky one aren't you? Nobody quite has you figured out and you'd probably prefer it stayed that way. That said you are a formidable force by anyone's reckoning, but there is certainly more to you than a frosty exterior and a bitter temper. </td> Severus Snape 80% Ginny Weasley 80% Lord Voldemort 75% Sirius Black 65% Hermione Granger 60% Harry Potter 60% Remus Lupin 60% Draco Malfoy 60% Albus Dumbledore 55% Ron Weasley 40% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

haha... i mean, muahahaha... lolz...

haha... i better stop now... i've got to go study again!!! tata... hehe...

results out 2day!!! i'm so proud of all u guys!!! u all did sooooooo well!!! i'm just bummed out dat we didnt really c each other!!! those i saw disappeared so quickly n i din't get to c so many people!!! saw fuyu-chan, haru-chan n lai theng... but the rest were missing!!! where were u guys??? i know that lousy peng stayed home!!! ~blek~ so evil lar u!!! n i saw eldida while coming out!!! i wanted to turn back round n go back to see ya but din't have d guts to. i juz wanted 2 go home n sleep!!! (sorrie elda!!!) congrats to all of u!!! today was such a mess!!! ~sigh~

anyway, moving on... MY DRIVING TEST IS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dying!!!!!!!!!!!! 
i hope i pass my bukit!!! i never get that 1 right i either never reach d yellow line or terlajak!!! hahahahaha........... i'm so screwed, rite??? hehe... wish me luck!!!

Hey ppl! i'm so bored! i'm acctually at college... bored!!! my cls already finished at 3 bt my parents are  only coming at 4!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sob* after dis gotta go 2 some education consultant lady... dissucss bout my studies... again... i think i've been 2 more than a mill different ppl bout d same thing!!! jeez... my parents like 2 be 100% sure, huh!!! They'll nvr let up till they gt rid of me or ship me off 2 sum other country!!! sigh!!! most prob they 1 2 send me 2 Perth with me sistah!!! so. May n Ai Lin, watch out! i'm on my way... only in 1 year though... 
niway, i gt so much homework!!! gt moral folio n moral presentation n moral test... damn, i gt lotz of moral stuff 2 do!!!... n i gt I.T. test oso!!! die!!! i'm so lost 4 I.T. totaly dun noe watz goin on in cls 99% of d time!!! nw d teacher suddenly tells us dat we've gt 2 pass up some crappy draft 4 some crappy folio!!! everybody gt such a shock!!! sigh!!! life is still so boring even after college has started... at least nw i'll be busy wit homework... 

P.S.   2 d evil Haru-chan, next time u go 2 Gurney, bring me along aso lar!!! college food so not appetizing!!!